Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Move Along, No Romantic Vampires Here

Someone asked me the other day if my Vampires were "romantic and handsome".

Oh hell, no.

I proceeded to explain that they were, well, horrifying, bloody, and quite grotesque. And that you would not want to meet one in a dark alley, figuratively speaking.

Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

Well, she's not exactly my target audience.

If you're expecting a vampire love story with vampires as heroic, romantic figures, you've come to the wrong place.

And if you're looking for traditional vampires, I give you something completely different instead. Not the 1800s vampires, not the cloak-wearing vampires. And most definitely not the ...romantic ones.

No, they can't be killed by garlic, sunlight, stakes through the heart, or holy water. Holy water and crosses don't affect them 'cause, well, they are Guardian Angels. From Heaven. Still kinda holy. Sort of. Yeah.

These are not the vampires of legend and folklore stories. And they don't really like biting necks. They actually prefer to use swords and sharp weapons.

OK, so what are they?

Stay with me here. They are Guardian Angels. Yep, you know, the halo-wearing, white winged (well in this case, black winged), supposedly protective guardians of mankind? Um, not anymore.

Picture this: Guardian Angels go bad, become serial killers, basically kill humans who pray to them to shut them up (cause they don't wanna answer prayers anymore.)


Vampire bites Guardian Angel, Guardian Angel returns to Heaven, and, voila, turns all Guardian Angels into Vampires.

Still with me?

Let's move on. Human prays to Guardian Angel for help. Guardian Angel appears, except that he's a Vampire now.

Vampire Guardian Angel eats human.More like...disembowels. Eats...everything. Not just the blood. Think...disembowel....groovy.

Now that's much better. I prefer something disturbing. Brutal. Violent. Gory. Something that makes you cringe, especially when you pray.

Well, the catch here is, you gotta be desperate. Suicidal. Whiny. That's what attracts Vampire Guardian Angels. 'Cause they hate the begging for help. They really do.

Because they are, well, having issues. If you had to spend thousands of years playing therapist to human problems, I think a little R & R would be needed. But since God doesn't let Guardian Angels have vacations (or breaks), well, a psychopathic, sociopathic breakdown with a deep hatred of humans and calls for revenge for making them answer prayers is in order. Therapeutic for Angels. Bad for humans.

Oh, and the weapons they dispatch you with: swords and every type of exotic sharp weapon you can think of (google "Haladie dagger").

So if you're expecting Vampires that you can have a romance fantasy with, better leave the site. Unless of course, you start getting turned on by bloody gore. (Yes, grotesque can be pretty hot too, if you're into that.)

Oh, and don't pray. :)

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