Toxicity and Guilt Trips as Writing Motivators

I’ve had a lot of toxic people in my life: Whiners, users, people who just wanted to use me as their personal, 24/7 therapist regardless of my time, energy or feelings, and who just complained about their problems constantly with no desire to solve their own issues or find a solution. They wanted me to devote all my time and attention to their “me! me! me!” needs and their problems. They were always playing the victim and trying to get attention by constantly whining about the worst things in their life that they wanted someone to always fix. And sometimes it would always be the same things they complained about. They wanted solutions, a “savior”, and someone who would always be there to vent to. If I refused or had something else to do, they became desperate, depressed, hard-to-please, always unhappy with everything, pessimistic, clingy, helpless, panicky, draining, angry, and accused me of not being a good friend, and if something went wrong, they blamed me for not “being there”, and treated me like I just did the worst thing in the world to them. Or they became manipulative, as in they would do something to themselves if I didn’t appease them right away. It was exhausting and I hated the way these people made me feel like I was “abandoning” them.

I bet that’s how Guardian Angels feel when people cry to them for help, and feel they don’t “answer”. And they were tired of humans feeling “abandoned”. And it can feel too much to keep up with.

The way I got these people out of my life was through writing. They were great character studies. There were whiny, desperate characters that my Vampire Guardian Angels fed on. My Vampire Guardian Angels were tired of being therapists and their methods were to put whiners out of their misery instead of saving them, so that they did not have to play therapist anymore. In a way, it was therapeutic.  Now I avoid toxic, overly emotionally needy people like the plague.

Then there were the judgmental, fault-finding, close-minded, overly criticizing, suffocating, guilt-tripping, holier-then-thou-I’m better-than-you-you-are-a-sinner people I grew up with who used their religion to abuse me psychologically and physically, and treated me with contempt and anger because they feared divine retribution if I “sinned” in any way (and abused their own religion in the process, which made them, and their religion, look bad). I was always told to “pray for salvation” and beg for mercy from a higher power, and punished with fear if I didn’t. Today, I'm respectful to the positive aspects of religion even if I am now an atheist. But back then, I was supposed to be the “toxic whiner” and the Guardian Angel was supposed to be my “savior” and my “therapist”. I had to imagine what a Guardian Angel would feel like when constantly faced with demands from a toxic human. Then I turned these Guardian Angels into serial killers who only targeted toxic whiners, and, as vampires, fed on them. That’s why my Guardian Angels rebelled and went against mankind and welcomed becoming vampires—because they were tired of being slaves to these toxic humans. (But on the upside, they did make a great meal.)

So in a way, my own comic books turned out to be, well, therapeutic for me.

Comic Book Series Fan Posts Part 48

A very special thank you to all my wonderful friends and fans, I'm truly honored to receive your feedback, posts, responses and shares on the comic book series and I am grateful for everyone's support! Thanks again! You all rock!

How I turned Romance into Vampire Slasher

No, it's not about romance--it's how I went against it.

I majored in Journalism in college, and took Creative Writing classes. One of my professors once described my writing as “silly and simplistic”. And as a female writer, I was often encouraged by peers that if I was ever to become an author, there were only two genres I “should” write for: either “Romance” or “Children’s Books”, or even "soap operas". That irked me. That, along with the implication that my ideas were not good enough to be published and that I had to "conform" to certain mainstream ideas and images.

Well I did try writing romance. That was in fact one of my first writing projects, romance as in the hero rescues the heroine in the end. However, I found that ditching the hero and killing off the heroine in a gory, slasher way was actually a lot more, um, fun. I realized I wanted more shock value, more horror, more WTF, more pushing the envelope. I wanted no happy endings, no happily ever after, just a lot of….screaming, where the serial killer is the anti-hero.

I wanted to read more Stephen King novels rather than romance books. I did have nightmares, but I found the world of horror way more appealing. Those nightmares had a profound effect on me.  If it was scary, it was inspiring. So I rebelled against the image of a woman writer as having to be a romance or children’s book author (nothing wrong with that—it’s just not my preference) and started writing about vampires. And I wrote vampire stories that were not romantic—they just had “romantic drama” as part of the background story but not as the main theme, but which was way darker and bloodier and disturbing.

So in a way, I’d like to thank the people who pissed me off, who tried to dictate what I should write, and thankfully I rebelled, and never listened to them. \m/

Other Influences on my Writing that were not Vampire-themed

My other influences that were not necessarily vampire-themed but were horror-related were Stephen King novels, X-Files, Twin Peaks and The Twilight Zone.When I first wrote my Vampire Trilogy novel (the novel that I turned into the comic book series), I imagined it as an X-Files - type screenplay, with a film-noir, Twilight Zone feel. And that’s how I also wanted my comic book series to look—that black, white and red film noir look, but with the added bloody horror slasher element. I also imagined the comic book as an anime, which is also one of my influences (I’m a fan of the 1970’s anime robot shows).

History is also another influence on my writing, 15th century, medieval history, the inquisition, the more bloody, brutal side of religious history such as the crusades, “saints” being martyred, and the Catholic church’s more controversial, hidden, bloody history that you don’t read about too often.

More on my Writing Process

I’m very independent and I enjoy being an underground artist.  I even relish and enjoy being alone, as I require solitude when I work or write. I’m social and extroverted, but when it comes to creating and writing, I’m rather introverted, simply because it helps me avoid distractions and  keeps me focused  on my work. I’m very disciplined when it comes to that, and I guess I sort of have a “laser focus” when it’s time to sit down and write and when I work to meet a goal. I have no problem with seclusion, coffee, a laptop and a playlist of black metal albums (such as Deafest - Alpine Expanse recommended by my friend Alix). I let my mind drift while I write and that’s why I can’t have too many distractions. However, if I'm not listening to music, I do need some ambient background noise such as the TV.

I also find that I have two main methods: I hand write my notes — very short sentences or just a few words—  on paper, and then start typing those notes out and I can only complete them if I type them out. I can never fully complete my thoughts when I hand write them, but I expand a lot more on the concepts and ideas when I type. And I can’t seem to do the opposite—I can’t type out simple notes and expand on them by hand writing them. They have to be typed. So, there’s one of the reasons I need solitude to expand on my thoughts.

Please read my writing and self-publishing disclaimer here

Comic Book Issue 5 Final Drawings Sneak Peek Before Coloring

Vampire Guardian Angels comic book Issue 5’s completed drawings by my incredible artist Andrew Setter have all been scanned and sent to me for my review by my awesome art director Chad Hammontree, (thank you Chad!) and I'm downloading the pages now, and they look incredible! So I will be busy this week reviewing the pages, and there's a lot of awesome detail to go through.

This is why it takes a year to make each issue from start to finish (also because my artists and I work full-time jobs, we live in different states and work long distance, and we work on the comic book when we can.) But I always say that the wait is worth it!

The next step is cleaning up the pages and then coloring by Chad and adding the test. Then comes the text edits and story flow which I will be working on after the coloring stages. There are still some final steps to go before publishing but we are almost there! Thank you Andrew and Chad for all your hard work!

Here are some of the finished drawings (no color yet) that my colorist Chad will be working on.

Music I listen to when Writing and how I got into Metal

If you’ve ever wondered what kind of music I listen to when I write my comic books, it’s death metal or black metal, mostly melodic or instrumental black metal as well. And if you’ve ever wondered what’s with all the metal bands in my comic books, well for starters, I’m a fan of death and thrash metal, and more recently, black metal. And I’m a fan of many local bands in the metal scene here in Los Angeles. So here’s a list that pretty much sums up what got me into metal to begin with:

-My hubby is the guitarist for Los Angeles death metal band Enthraller, and I used to videotape their shows and run their merchandise booth, and I became a fan of their music and of other death metal and metal bands who I saw them play shows with. I’m especially amazed by the technicality of how these bands play and it is amazing to see them perform live. That’s also why I’m a fan of independent local, underground artists. It takes a lot of hard work and talent to play instruments and a live show, promote, put together an event, work on, create, and market a CD etc. (Of course, just like what I do, only with comic books, which is why I respect the metal scene.) Metal influences and inspires me, I feel accepted and energized. I've met many open-minded, wonderful, creative, fun metal heads who have become my "metal family". There's nothing else that has inspired such camaraderie. I could walk into a metal show any where in the world and feel instantly at home.

-Enthraller was the first metal band to do a cameo in my comic book. When I started writing the comic books, I thought it would be fun to put metal bands and friends in scenes that had a band playing on the background or have them featured as vampires in background scenes along with the band logos, kind of like movie extras and product placement. It began as a way to give the band exposure and to promote them, and it’s all for fun. I’m amazed at how my artists draw them in scenes—their likenesses are spot-on! And it’s fun to turn my friends into vampires.

-I was invited as a vendor by local metal promoter Angie Gabriel of Metal Invictus to an event called Maidens of Metal (where I saw some incredible female metal performers) where I could showcase my comic books. I met talented bands and promoters in the local metal scene, including photographer/videographer Adrian Mejia of Metal Warzone. If it wasn't for Enthraller, local metal promoters Angie Gabriel, Jimmy Armenta, and Cesar Escobar of Metal Invictus, Daniel Dismal of Church of the 8th Day, Adrian Mejia's awesome videos and photos of local bands, Anna Hummel of Spirit of Metal, and of course my hubby Mike Naz,  I would never have been introduced to many amazing local bands and so many great people and my "metal family". I began to go to more shows and even sponsored a Metal Warzonefest show. I put more of my friends’ bands and promoters in my comic books as a way to help support and help promote the local metal scene. Some of the bands in my comic books include Mesmeric (US), Sacred Ruins, (and in upcoming issues will be Arachnigod, Highland, and Madrost).

-I got into black metal after seeing performances by local black metal bands Highland and  Arachnigod, and I became a fan of black metal since then. I’m still new to the music but it’s always great listening to the bands and getting into the music. And many thanks to my friend Alix Vallecillo for introducing me to some great black metal music!

-I try to go to local shows but if I am unable to, I share their flyers and events on social media.

-If I ever turn the series into an anime, I plan to have black or death metal music in the background.

\m/\m/